The Suicidal Note of Kurt Donald Cobain, 1967-1994
To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously
would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note
should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years,
since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved
with independence and the embracement of your community has proven
to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as
well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many
years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.
For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the
manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in
which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the
the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally
admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It
simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of
would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm
having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in
time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within
my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's
not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and
entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists
who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I
need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once
had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all
the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I
still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have
for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love
people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The
sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't
you just enjoy it? I don't know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a
daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love
and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good
and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to
where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances
becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've
become.
I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of
seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only
because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy.
Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I
guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your
letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an
erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so
remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.
Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain
Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!
